I Like Cheese.

So it took me 5 years to post a new blog entry. I can explain. I was exploring my theory that blog writing is too disposable - too easily lost and forgotten. I decided to hand carve my 103rd blog post into stone instead of posting it online to give it greater sense of permanence. There were many flaws in my plan that I did not foresee.

For one, a carved slab of granite gets considerably less visibility than a web published blog, so readership was way down.

Also, I probably should have composed an outline or a rough draft before breaking out the chisel. It was riddled with 'chiselos' (typos made with a chisel) and the material was far too dated to ever repost. Towards the end I became slightly mentally unbalanced as you might imagine when after years of solitary chisel work I tapped the mallet just a bit too hard and the entire stone cracked and crumbled while I was attempting to correct a 'chiselo' of the word "cheese." Needless to say this is not the first time cheese has caused me great mental anguish (as anyone else who has a dairy intolerance can surely relate). 

Everything I had worked for had literally crumbled before my eyes and left me in a pile of dust, rubble and regrets, and absolutely nothing to show for it. All in all I'd say the past five years of my life have been as productive as the rest of my years, so I guess I am still on par.

I have had very little time to do much of anything else during my Blog Stone Age Era, so forgive me if my present and future posts lack meaningful insight and life experience. People  tell me that now I often make excessive and seemingly unrelated references to, and jokes about the properties of different stones and their related carving tools -- that they don't 'get' my humor anymore, but sheesh - I need that kind of criticism like I need a No.5 chisel on a slab of sandstone! (upon re-reading I realize that most people will not understand that joke, but trust me, the guys at the quarry are peeing their pants laughing at that succulent morsel of comedy!)

Anyway - on to the main subject matter of this blog. I'm back. I will be blogging about all of my discoveries and observations about the new and fascinating world outside of the rock I have been carving and living under for the past few years. 

Myspace blogs may have gone extinct, but I was able to extract some DNA from a mosquito trapped in amber. What could possibly go wrong?

Welcome to Jennrassic Park! (<-------proof positive that my writing skills and comedic ability has suffered greatly during the hiatus.)

"I haven't ****ed all year"

Oh the hilarity! If you enjoyed my first attempt at blogging, you're sure to love the second! This was written the very next day, on January 1st 2007. It has been sanitized for your protection, and insanitized for your amusement. Please refrain from operating heavy machinery while reading.

January 1, 2007
"I haven't ****ed all year"

Oh Hi! Come on in...I was expecting you. Welcome back. :)

Isn't it  hard to believe that it's 2007 already? Remember back in 2006 when I started blogging? Time moves soooo fast --it feels like just yesterday, doesn't it?. ;)

Normally I would now offer you some of my finest pearls of humor in the form of my traditional but lame new years jokes. You know the kind, -- two minutes into the new year and you say things like, "I haven't showered all year" or "I haven't eaten all year" and there is always one huckleberry in the bunch that doesn't get it right away and thinks that you are just an unhygienic anorexic freak that decided to over-share for the new year. After a little prodding in the form of.... "Get it?... we are five minutes into the new year...I have been standing right here all year....get it?" and finally we are all on the same page again.

Then everyone in the room has to give it a try in an effort to out-funny everyone else until someone inevitably says something along the lines of "I haven't pooped all year" at which point every last drop of humor has been effectively drained from the lifeless corpse of the joke, everyone softly groans while one awkward person laughs a little too long and hard at the poop humor before the room falls completely silent, and the comedy sketch draws to a close.

But I will spare you that little bit of lametastic chit-chat and move on to far more pressing issues.

You and I both know what day it is, so lets not delay this any further. It is time to discuss New Year's resolutions. I've put far more thought into it this year than in any other year, and this time I think I have finally figured it out.


This year my New Year's resolutions are to gain weight, exercise less, spend more time on the computer, make less money and to ultimately become a complete and total hermit.

I really feel good about this. It's my year -- I can feel it.

I'm also feeling sleepy and a little bit grumpy -- maybe even a little bit dopey. There are probably other dwarves I am feeling, but I'll never admit to it. So I will leave you now with that lovely mental imagery of cartoon dwarf molestation done in the timeless style of a feature length animated Disney classic.

I'm off to bed....
Keep cool my babies.

-Jenny

My 100th Blog Entry!!Yaayy me!!

Don't be fooled by my clever trickery. This is actually my first blog  - Circa 2006. Enjoy this trip down memory lane and enjoy the painfully dated pop-culture references. Ahh the beauty of a timeless classic.

December 31, 2006

My 100th Blog Entry!!Yaayy me!!

Yeah, actually it's not. This is really my first blog, but I just can't handle the pressure of "the first," because I am assuming that as a first it has to be a magical moment that you and I will remember for the rest of our lives. Who can really live up to that kind of pressure in a blog? So here we are safely at blog number 100 and by now you and I already know each other in that comfortable familiar way, but we still have that magical excitement that keeps us both coming back for more. I still have lots of stories to tell you that I haven't told you a million times already. You'll be back - you cant help yourself.

Either that, or its me writing all these blogs, but you never show up, and the blogs get all dressed up and wait by the phone that never rings, and eventually they give up and eat ice cream straight from the container with a giant spoon.

Inevitably by blog 200 we will both be looking at other blogs longingly and remembering what our very first blog felt like and wondering if the magic is gone as we ponder whether or not we are both too old or too fat to explore other blogs.

But for now we are in the contented happy bliss of the 100th blog. It's pixel perfection, don't you think?

Okay, enough frivolity - on to the serious bloggy issues.

As someone who has read several celebrity blogs, I have noticed a common question asked of blog writers -- and it is probably on your mind right now. That question is, "Is this really you? Do you really run your own Myspace?"

I can assure you that no, it's really not me. I have an entire staff of writers and personal assistants that run my Myspace page and update my blogs for me. I am not writing this blog that you are reading. I am probably off somewhere doing something extremely important, in the area of quantum physics - putting the finishing touches on my explanation of the space/time continuum and explaining in full detail exactly how I discovered the secrets of time travel and the ability to hop in and out of parallel realities and dimensions. Or I might be washing the dishes - I do a lot of that too.

Okay, I should end this now. I don't want to reveal too much and have nothing left to write about in my next superfantasticterrificamazing blog entry.

Before I go, I just wanted to mention that one of the things that I find fascinating about all of this blog stuff is that once upon a time, back in the olden days, people wrote in this thing called a diary. It was many sheets of paper stacked and bound together in a thing we called a book. Inside, people would regularly write their thoughts and feelings. This book often had a lock, to prevent others from opening it and stealing a peek at ones inner-most thoughts and feelings.

I don't know what it means that people are now so starved for feedback and validation from others that they feel the need to offer up peeks of their diaries, in the form of a blog, in exchange for a little bit of positive feedback. Maybe it is the same reason that Britney Spears and Paris Hilton feel compelled to flash their girly parts all over town. The question I have to ask myself is, "Am I really that desperate? Am I that sad, lonely and in need of attention that I have decided to post the boring details of my lonely existence and share it with the world like a soft silent cry for help, despite the fact that nobody will even have any interest in reading it?"

And my answer : You Betcha!!

That being said, please remember to leave me lots and lots of comments and kudos. If you could also scratch behind my ear and in that special spot on my tummy that makes my leg kick uncontrollably, that would be great also. Plus as an added incentive, for every 2 "Kudos" points you give me, I will donate a point to a sad orphan blog writer.

-Jenny